she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
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