hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I could make wine with my vomit
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
