watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
