why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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