dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
