My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Randomize
