you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
