He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
