you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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