Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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