life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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