No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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