I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
