I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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