Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
