I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
