she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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