I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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