i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
