i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I didn't shave. On purpose
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
