My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
