i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
