i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
