All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
