im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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