Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
