I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
