woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Randomize
