I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
