I cockslap morals
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
