Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
