My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
