So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
