just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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