billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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