Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
