I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
