the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
