I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Randomize
