I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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