Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
