WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Randomize
