Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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