Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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