i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
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