The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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