I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
