I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
