I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
