someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Randomize
