I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
