I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
