I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
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