Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
